Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
