i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
