mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
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