so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
