I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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