I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
