I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
