Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
