Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
