I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
