The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
