the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
