its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
