talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
