Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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