Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
