never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
