Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
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