it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
