WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
