ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
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