onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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