I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
