I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
