Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
