Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
