the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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