But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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