I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize
