did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Buhtt sex?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
