I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
