What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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