Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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