i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
