I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Your penis caused this!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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