the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
