hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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