WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
