the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
