every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
