Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
