the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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