Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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