Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
