It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
