You smell like a Billy Joel song
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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