All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
