He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
