I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
