well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
