Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
