I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
